June 5, 2009

I am a genius.

It’s true. You would maybe be surprised by the amount of people I meet who don’t understand my exceptional qualities. So that you don’t become one of these people, I will list for you some of my abilities and accomplishments.

• I can ride a bicycle on a bobsled track.
• I have used science to develop a word that rhymes with orange.
• I know why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.
• I think all comedy is funny.
• I can do exactly 90% of all bodily functions on command, but which 90% I can do changes depending on the weather.
• I understand most forms of economics.
• I can get away with using “art” as a verb when hanging out with the fellas.
• I have a turtle call of my own invention. It even works underwater.
• I can hypnotize myself to enjoy public radio pledge week and most infomercials.
• I believe in most religions, which, if you think about it, isn’t easy.
• I can create a mathematical equation out of any group of numbers and end up with 7.
• I can write haiku with the word “guardedly”.
• I can offer constructive criticism on almost anyone’s haircut and get away with it.

And this is just for starters.

I have not always been a genius. I taught myself to be this exceptional. Nothing you can’t do if you get up a little earlier in the morning.