June 5, 2009
I am a genius.
It’s true. You would maybe be surprised by the amount of people I meet who don’t understand my exceptional qualities. So that you don’t become one of these people, I will list for you some of my abilities and accomplishments.
- I can ride a bicycle on a bobsled track.
- I have used science to develop a word that rhymes with orange.
- I know why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.
- I think all comedy is funny.
- I can do exactly 90% of all bodily functions on command, but which 90% I can do changes depending on the weather.
- I understand most forms of economics.
- I can get away with using “art” as a verb when hanging out with the fellas.
- I have a turtle call of my own invention. It even works underwater.
- I can hypnotize myself to enjoy public radio pledge week and most infomercials.
- I believe in most religions, which, if you think about it, isn’t easy.
- I can create a mathematical equation out of any group of numbers and end up with 7.
- I can write haiku with the word “guardedly”.
- I can offer constructive criticism on almost anyone’s haircut and get away with it.
And this is just for starters.
I have not always been a genius. I taught myself to be this exceptional. Nothing you can’t do if you get up a little earlier in the morning.